Sibling Rivalry - How to Survive it

Sibling rivalry can be stressful and frustrating but it is a common complaint among parents. We were all kids once, right? I’m sure many of us remember those fights at the dinner table, or over that certain toy we were supposed to be sharing.

The rivalry can range from the occasional verbal missile to a constant barrage of disagreements, even physical scraps. These disagreements, however, are a natural part of growing up. Successfully diffusing or avoiding conflict and confrontation, and learning to cooperate and compromise are skills each child needs to learn. They also need to learn how to control their own emotions, and respond to friction in a manner that is not going to escalate the situation. After all, we each have a point of view and a different way of thinking and behaving, so it is important children recognise and accept this.

As their parent it is also natural for you to want to intervene as internal conflict is inherently detrimental to the family unit. Whilst we should do so if necessary, what your children really need you to do is take a step back to listen and understand, and give them the tools they need to defend their point of view without resorting to arguing or fighting.

Causes of Sibling Rivalry

There are many possible factors that could contribute to sibling rivalry, but once you understand the why, it is easier to figure out how to help your child resolve those issues. You may even realise that, quite inadvertently, your reaction to their friction is also playing its part in the rivalry.

Of the many possible triggers for your children’s bickering, they can include:

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• The arrival of another child

  This can sometimes feel like a threat to older siblings. The child who once had all the attention of their parents resents having to compete with the new baby for your attention.

• Boredom, hunger or tiredness

  Children who are bored, hungry or tired often become frustrated or a little bit grouchy. As a result, they are more likely to fight with their sibling(s).

• Favouritism

  This can play an important part in sibling rivalry so it is important not to favour one child over another. If one sibling feels they get less of your time and attention, they may protest by way of sibling rivalry. They must all therefore be treated equally and fairly all of the time.

• Stress

  Stressed parents can sometimes forget to give their children the time and attention they need. This can have a knock-on effect on the children as they are then forced to find new ways to get their parents attention (another good reason why parents should not neglect their own needs). Stress can also extend to children: as is the case for anyone, if they are particularly stressed about something, they may lash out at those closest to them.

• Not enough guidance

  Without the proper guidance from you, younger children may simply not know how to deal with disagreements in an appropriate way.

How can Sibling Rivalry be Resolved or Avoided?

There is no reason why you can’t have the peaceful family life you have always wanted, without playing referee all the time. How you deal with the rivalry will depend on the age of your children but below are a few ways that might help decrease the sibling rivalry:

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• Families need family time so make sure you set aside a special time where you can all just enjoy everyone’s company. If feuding siblings can have fun together, it will help create a closer bond.

• Listen to your children. They may or may not have valid reasons for their conflict, but they need to know their voice matters.

• A bit of uninterrupted one-on-one can be a really great thing. Not only will it be enjoyable for you and your child, it shows that you have time for them. It doesn’t have to be for a long period of time but it should be a daily occurrence.

• Everyone needs their own space once in a while so make sure each child has this.

• Everyone one should be treated fairly but accordingly to their age.

• Engage them in team-building activities that encourage cooperation as opposed to competition. This could be a healthy game of football (make sure the rival siblings are on the same team!) or any other activity that encourages teamwork.

• Celebrate each child’s uniqueness and individuality, and do not compare them negatively to one another otherwise it will create more animosity.

• Teach children how to deal with conflict and disagreements effectively. They need to learn how to share, compromise, take turns, etc., and should never resort to aggression in any form as that only serves to escalate the situation.

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The last thing to remember is this:

Teaching children the art of peaceful co-habitation and successful negotiation will not happen overnight (let’s face it, sometimes adults still struggle with it too) so don’t expect miracles, but persevere and, in time, you will find peace reigns throughout your kingdom!