Problems at Bedtime
Photo courtesy of Hernan Sanchez (Unsplash)
Mouths to feed, dogs to walk, errands to run and emails to return…You haven’t stopped all day and you are absolutely shattered.
‘Why, oh why,’ you ask yourself, ‘do I put myself through all of this? If only I had a million pounds (or a nanny, chef and P.A). A few more hours in the day would be nice too.’
Let’s be honest, most people are unlikely to ever be a billionaire, and as for the hours, not even the likes of Bill Gates could buy that kind of time! However, there is one silver lining to your unrelentingly busy day: your divinely warm and cosy bed. As darkness slowly slides across the sky, you can hear it beckoning to you, eager for you to fall into its warm embrace, where the trials and tribulations of the day will just melt away. The kids are all tucked up in bed fast asleep, so hurriedly you wash the day away and slip into your decidedly unsexy but supremely comfortable nightwear. Sighing with blissful relief, you slide between the warm silken sheets, switch the light off and begin to drift away on wispy clouds of sleep. There will be no counting of sheep tonight.
Shhhh…
Photo courtesy of Picsea (Unsplash)
…That is all very well but if you have a child who does not want to go to bed, the end of your day is probably not what this looks like, though you can probably relate to the feelings of utter exhaustion.
All manner of problems can arise at bedtime. Maybe your children do not want to go to bed, or perhaps they just will not stay there. Do they creep into your bed at night, or are they there from the start? Whatever your problem, you are certainly not alone. You can have problems getting your child to bed at any age, but it is between the ages of 3 and 6 that the problems are likely to be most prevalent. Sometimes the problems at bedtime are just due to bad habits; we all make an exception once or twice but before you know it, the exception has turned into the norm. So, the answer here is to avoid the bad habits in the first place. But since we cannot make our children fall sleep, how can we ensure that when bedtime arrives, bed is where they stay?
As with many things, it is important you look at the picture as a whole, in order to try to determine the possible cause/s of your problem. Sometimes it may not be immediately obvious, so in this case it may be necessary to go through a process of elimination, whereby you can determine what is not the problem, thus eliminating it from the list of possible causes. Once you have done that, you can then begin to think about the solutions. The process of changing bedtime may be a long slog, and it may feel like things are not getting any better or indeed, are only getting worse, but it is important to stay the course because if you back down too early, all that hard work will be for nothing. Firm, positive perseverance is what is needed here, particularly if the problem has been long rooted.
How you deal with problems at bedtime will depend on many think about the following questions:
How old is your child?
Young children can be a little more sensitive to bedtime issues such as being afraid of the dark or separation anxiety, so this is when bad sleeping habits are most likely to form
Do they have a nap during the day, and if so, how long do they sleep?
If they are having a nap too close to the end of the day, they will not be tired enough to go to sleep when bedtime comes, nor if you put them down for a nap when they really do not need one.
How active are they during the day?
Whatever the age of your child, they need to be active during the day so they can release some of that pent-up energy. If they do not get a chance to do so, it will stop them from settling down as well as they could.
Do you have a set bedtime routine?
Routines help to slow a child down in preparation for sleep. Having a routine, and setting a bed time you stick to, will help them to calm down.
Do they share a bedroom?
This may be relevant because their behaviour at bedtime might be influenced by that of an older or younger sibling.
Do they have a reason for getting up?
Are they thirsty? Do they need a night light? Have they been to the toilet? Make sure they have done everything and have everything they need before they go to bed. They might need a small amount of water in a cup or beaker in case they get thirsty during the night, a small night light, and their favourite cuddly toy.
Is this behaviour a nightly occurrence or once in a while?
It is perfectly okay to make allowances on occasions your child is unwell, but if bedtime issues are a nightly occurrence, the problem should be dealt with.
What do you usually do when they get out of bed?
As with many other problems, if you give in to your child’s demands it will only prolong the remedy, so start as you mean to go on and do not stop until you get the end result you want. Similarly, if you are too harsh, it will only serve to distress you and your child even more. Bedtime need not be distressing for anyone, so avoid turning it into a nightmare.
Do they have any underlying health issues that may be influencing their behaviour?
Underlying health issues may mean you have to adapt how you approach problems at bedtime. Speak to a health-care professional to get advice on how best to approach the dilemma.
Photo courtesy of Jelleke Vanooteghem (Unsplash)
Once you have considered all the factors that may be influencing the problems at bedtime, you can then begin to tackle them as best as you can. Try the following techniques to get the bedtime you are looking for:
Setting a time to go to bed
If you try putting your child to bed before they feel tired, it will be harder keeping them there, so make bedtime the time they are usually getting tired. If you want to change that time, do this in increments. For example, if they usually start getting tired around 10pm, but you want them to go to bed at 8pm, you can use this temporary bedtime to teach your child how to go to bed and stay there. Once they can do this, and can fall asleep quickly, gradually make their bedtime a little earlier every time until they are going to sleep at the time you want them to. This should be done gradually and in small increments of around fifteen minutes at a time.
Bedtime routine
Have a set routine for bedtime, making sure that the last activity they do is their favourite one as this will encourage them to get ready for bed. Avoid excitable, high energy activities as this will only make settling down all the harder.
For example, their bedtime routine might look a little like this:
- Dinner
- Bath
- Playtime (I always like to encourage this to be a time when we all look at some books together.)
- Bedtime, with another story in bed, then sleep.
Rules and bedtime limits
Indirectly, your child has been the one making the bedtime rules up until now, so during this transfer of ownership, routine and rules will be your saviour here. Before you initiate the new rules, talk to your children about them but do not allow it to turn into an argument or discussion. You can explain what you are going to do but there is no need to justify your reasons; you are the boss! Do not make your explanations long and detailed but make sure you stick to the rules too, otherwise you will send mixed messages to your children, thus delaying getting the kind of bedtime you want.
Be firm and consistent
Despite protestations, stick to your guns. You are doing this for their own good as well as yours, so you need to be firm and consistent throughout.
Getting out of bed
Some children may refuse to stay in bed but your resolve to get them to stay there must be stronger than theirs. Regardless of the time it is or how many times they have come out of their bedroom, if all their needs have been met you must calmly but firmly put them back in their bed. The first few times you can also calmly remind them it is bedtime, but each time after that you should remain silent because anything else is giving them the attention they desire. You should do this until they finally stay in their bedroom. It may feel like hell at first, ignoring their screams and fighting your own exhaustion, but your children need to learn.
NEVER EVER lock them in their bedroom as this will turn their bedroom and bedtime into a distressing time and place to be. This is the exact opposite of everything bedtime should be.
Rewards and praise
Do not dwell on the unsuccessful nights. But when you do get the kind of bedtime you desire, it is important to acknowledge your child’s behaviour with praise. You could also reward them with a sticker on their reward chart. A reward chart is always good because it acts as a visual tracker for both of you to see how great they are doing.
Baby steps
If your child has been used to sleeping in your bed for a long time and on a regular basis, there is nothing wrong with starting off slow. One night in their own bed will be much easier for a child to cope with than seven. So begin with one night on which they have to sleep (and stay) in their own bed. You could even get them to choose the night, giving them a sense of control. Once you have successfully got them to stay in their own bed for one night, you can gradually increase it to two or three, and eventually seven nights will not seem quite so daunting for anybody!
The last thing to remember is that you must remain firm and consistent throughout the transition, if you are going to succeed in getting the kind of bedtime you desire. The process may be stressful and difficult, and at first you will encounter more sleepless nights and caffeine-fuelled days, but if you persist it will get better and you will soon forget what those sleepless nights felt like.
Photo courtesy of Annie Spratt (Unsplash)