Losing Like a Winner
Photo courtesy of Felix Mittermeier (Unsplash)
Nobody likes losing but sometimes, how ever hard we try, luck or fate is just not on our side that day.
Unfortunately, winning and losing, success and failure, is not only a feature of the games we play; it is also a part of life. As adults, sometimes we lose out in love, promotion, money, even in health or happiness. Hopefully the majority of the time we can brush these things off as just one of those things, but sometimes it can all get a bit too much and as a result, it can sometimes have an impact on our mental and physical health. That is just one very good reason why it is important to teach our children resilience in the face of loss or failure, so they are better able to bounce back when things don’t go the way they would like.
Whilst some children are naturally more laid-back than others, brushing off loss or failure as nothing more than a small blemish in a bigger picture, other children take that failure much more harshly, perhaps because subconsciously they internalise it as a reflection of themselves. They may scream and shout in frustration, throw things around, or break down and cry as if the whole world is falling apart around them. How ever they act in the face of losing, it is a negative reaction that should be addressed.
Of course, when our children get upset it is natural for any parent to want to console them, or make things right perhaps by letting them win. But this is not always the best thing to do for your child, particularly if they tend to get upset more easily when they lose a game. Depending on their age, nor is it always best to completely ignore the behaviour as, by doing so, you may indirectly be suggesting that their feelings do not matter. A balance between the two is what we really need. If they throw a fit when they lose, by all means you can show them a little empathy, acknowledging their feelings and why they might be feeling that way, but explain or demonstrate a more positive response to losing; one that they can use when they experience the same loss or failure again.
Things you might ask them to do can include congratulating their opponent and shaking hands with them in order to encourage good sportsmanship. You can also point out that if they want people to continue playing with them, they cannot react to losing in such a volatile manner, otherwise people simply won’t want to play with them. You may even be able to help them to come up with their own strategies that could get the results they want to see. For example, through learning if it is a game that requires knowledge, practice if it is a game that requires skills, and by improving strength and stamina if it is a sport.
Photo courtesy of Tommy Lisbon (Unsplash)
Don’t forget that sometimes it is not about losing at a game or football match; sometimes children get terribly upset when they do not get the grades they want, or if they are not as good at something as other children are. This is all about learning how to be okay with being less than perfect. There is no single human being in the world who is perfect. Some might excel at sports but fail miserably in another area. Then there are those who are near genius, but they could not hit a ball for love nor money. There are also those who are a ‘Jack of all trades but master of none.’ And, there are those who have power, money and wealth, a ‘success’ in every defined way…but they lack kindness and compassion.
So you see, none of us are alone in our imperfections, and that includes children. Talk about the things you are not very good at or that you find difficult, so they know it is okay if they also find things difficult. Impress upon them the absolute importance of putting 100% effort into everything they do, even if the results don’t turn out as they hope. The most important thing they need to remember is the effort they’ve put in. If low grades are an issue for them, get them to think about how they might be able to improve them through, for example, presentation, time-management or resource usage. Talk also about the things they are good at.
Sometimes however, it is not as simple as teaching them a new way of dealing with loss or failure; sometimes we must also consider the reaction of peers, and the impact that may have on our children. For example, a child may get upset about not being very good at football, and as a result, their peers may not want them playing in their team. This is a double whammy because not only does the child feel bad about not being very good at playing football, they also feel sad that they are being rejected by their peers as a result of it. Needless to say, in this example there are three important lessons we need to teach our children:
1. No matter what, we must not let other people’s opinion shape the thoughts we have about ourself. We all excel in something, and where we do not, it does not make us any less worthwhile. People will always have a different opinion about everything, and that is something we are all entitled to, but in the end the only opinion that matters is the one you have of yourself.
2. Maybe your child wants to be good at football. The reason for this desire matters greatly. If they desperately want to be a good footballer because it means they will be liked by a specific person or people, they need to learn to accept lessons 1 and 3, above and below.
However, if they want to be great at football for no other reason than themselves, help them come up with strategies that will improve their gameplay. For example, do they have trouble keeping up with the other children? If so, what can they do to improve their level of fitness? Do they find keeping possession of the ball difficult? If this is the case, perhaps they could use obstacle courses in the garden as a means of practising control of the ball whilst moving and changing direction. For an added element of skill and difficulty, use a stopwatch so they can keep track of their progress.
3. Lastly, it is important they learn to accept that for whatever reason, they will not always get what they want or be good at everything, even if they put 100% effort in all of the time. I would love to be 10 years younger but no matter how religious I am with exercise and diet, and creams and lotions…I will age. So, sometimes we must just accept things as they are and move on to pastures new, unscathed and undeterred.
Unscathed and undeterred?
Ok, well maybe it will sting a little, but grazes heal and children need to learn that just because something hurts, it doesn’t mean it will kill you. It does not mean they cannot overcome the hurt and disappointment. They can bounce back and reach new heights, but in an exciting new direction.
This post was written with children in mind, but I think we can all take a little something from it. We can all lose like a winner and be proud of it, because whatever life throws at us, we can be strong and resilient enough to look that loss or failure square in the eye and say…
