Terrible Tantrums
Photo courtesy of Trim Nilson (Unsplash)
Tantrums, sometimes even daily ones, are a normal part of a child’s development but are most prevalent between the ages of one to three years. They may be your child’s way of trying to assert their independence, or could be a result of pent up frustration when they are unable to communicate what they want or need, or how they feel. Environmental factors can also play their part - especially if there has been a recent big upheaval or change in their life - as well as stress caused, for example, by friction between you and your partner or other immediate family members. The adult can also have a direct influence on the tantrum and its duration, so it is important to remember that whatever the cause, length and intensity of the tantrum, you don’t pander to your child’s outburst as doing so will only teach them that is the way to get what they want.
Variably intense in nature and in their expression, a typical tantrum usually comes in the form of screaming, shouting or crying, and maybe the occasional kicking and stomping of feet, but they can also progress to hitting anyone or anything within reach. How long these tantrums last varies from child to child, and the circumstance in which it occurs, but sometimes it can be akin to a storm in a teacup, over as quickly as it came, or a baton-down-the-hatch kind of storm that only requires time and patience in order to allow it to pass. Indeed, in some instances, the best thing you can do for yourself and your child is to just completely ignore the undesirable behaviour.
Whatever form it comes in, as their parent or caregiver you must consider the age of your child, the circumstances and the severity of the tantrum before you choose how to deal with it. You would not, after all, discipline a teenager in the same way you would discipline a toddler because their understanding and emotional maturity are at completely different levels. The only thing that should remain the same across the board, regardless of their age or circumstances, is your calm but firm and consistent guidance. This provides a clear understanding for children, on what kind of behaviour is and is not acceptable, and will enable them to learn how to deal more effectively with their own emotions, desires, and conflicts of interest; unquestionably, a necessary skill for a well-balanced life!
Photo courtesy of Macro.Jr (Unsplash)
As always, prevention is always better than cure, and whilst some tantrums are completely unavoidable, there are others that can be avoided. For such tantrums there are steps that you can take in order to prevent them altogether. These include:
If your child generally gets irritable, argumentative or tearful when they are tired or hungry, try to prevent both by ensuring they have healthy drinks and snacks between meals. They should also be getting enough sleep, which may mean a nap during the day if it is appropriate for their age, or an earlier bedtime. By satisfying these two basic needs, you can take the edge off possible triggers, thus helping to see them (and you!) through the day.
Sometimes we adults simply have to do things that children find boring. Things such as going shopping or waiting in a queue. But when boredom strikes, children may end up having a tantrum, so prevent this from happening in the first place by providing them with a suitable distraction such as a toy, book or simple task to keep them busy.
Many a toddler has had a tantrum when they have been asked to do something they don’t want to do so when possible, give them countdown warnings. For example, tell them they have five minutes left before they need to tidy up their toys, or that they have got time to go on two more things in the playpark before you have to go home.
Choices will always appease a child’s desire for independence so where possible, let them choose what they want to do. For example, give them a choice of what clothes they can wear that day, or tell them they can choose to have carrots or broccoli with their tea…or both!
If your child is already having a tantrum:
It is very important not to give in to their demands. This will only reinforce their belief that having a tantrum is an effective method for getting what they want, and that is not a rod you want for your back!
Equally important is the need to remain calm. If you respond to their tantrum with anger and frustration you will only be adding fuel to the fire, so you must be the consistently calm role-model they need.
If they are having a fully-fledged tantrum, flailing arms, kicking legs and all, they will not hear anything you have to say to them, so do not waste your breath. Instead, in order to demonstrate that you remain unaffected by their tantrum, completely ignore it. Turn your back on them or, only if it is safe to do, walk away from them. This will demonstrate to your child that their tantrum is an ineffective tool to get what they want.
Depending on the age of the child, if you have chosen to walk away from them or turn your back on their tantrum, this lack of attention from you will eventually force them to change their strategy. If you remain unchanged and consistent with your approach, they will soon learn tantrums will not get them what they want.
Inevitably, if your child has a full-blown meltdown in public you will probably feel that everyone is staring at you, tutting and shaking their head as they judge your supposed lack of parenting skills. Having a child who throws a tantrum or three is NOT a reflection on your skills as a parent. Remember what I opened with? Tantrums are a natural part of child development so many parents have been in your shoes before. Far from judging you, a lot of people will know what you are going through so, if anything, your calmness over the situation will probably impress them!
Further to the point above: if you are in public you can remove yourself and your child from the activity, if you feel it is necessary in order to regain control over the situation. But, once the tantrum has ended you can also choose to return if you wish. By doing this, your child will learn that tantrums will result in negative consequences but being calm can reinstate that positive experience. This is a great example of positive and negative conditioning. It also means the outing is not completely ruined for everyone else!
When the tantrum does finally subside, talk to them in a calm, gentle manner, acknowledging that you understand why they might have felt that way, but reacting in the way they did was not acceptable behaviour. You can add that next time something upsets or frustrates them, they need to take a moment to talk to you calmly so you can try to help them. That way they will see that talking gets better results than throwing a tantrum. But avoid turning it into a lecture because your child will not have the staying power to listen to you, so make your points as brief as possible.
Sometimes you may feel unable to cope with your child’s intense outburst. When this is the case, it is perfectly okay to leave the room, but your child’s safety is paramount so you should only do so if you are certain they will be safe. Children need to learn that tantrums will not get them the attention they are looking for, so being left alone will show them that.
When their tantrum is over, make up with a hug so they know that despite your disapprovement of their behaviour, you still love them and you are no longer cross with them. This way they will know it is okay to make mistakes; you will love them all the same.
Lastly, remember that by putting in the hard work when they are young, it will make for an easier life down the road because your child will already have learnt how to deal with conflict and frustration in a way that benefits everyone.
The final note to end on is if, despite all your efforts to eradicate the unwanted behaviour, you find they are still having daily, multiple tantrums, don’t be afraid to talk to your GP or other health professional if you are worried. They will be better equipped to check for other possible underlying causes and can give you advice on the best course of action to take.